• Anneke

Vlog#2 The Key to Fulling Needs and Desires


In this vlog I share a very important key to fulfilling your needs and desires.


When a need or desire comes up, it’s often something concrete. I need a good night of sleep, I long for a vacation or I would love an evening of quality time with my partner.


Which are absolutely great ideas. Except when we don’t have the ability to have a vacation right now or to sleep long enough. Then it’s super frustrating, because we know what we want, but we can’t have it.


Now the key to fulfilling your needs and desires…. Is that vacation and sleep are actually NOT your needs and desires?


If it's not a need or desire, then what?

I’ll explain with an example of my own:

For many years I longed for traveling, it couldn’t be far enough. I always felt this inner urge to go somewhere new, to explore.


Until 2,5 years ago, I started working for myself and that longing for traveling suddenly decreased. What I discovered was that the longing for traveling, was actually a longing for freedom and adventure. And now that this was fulfilled by the constant new experiences I had in my job, the traveling wasn’t so important anymore. I still like it a lot, don’t get me wrong, but the necessity of it is gone.


The traveling, just as the sleep and the vacation, is not the actual desire. These are just STRATEGIES to fulfil the underlying desire. And for each desire there are thousands or even millions of strategies possible.


Creating space

So it’s worth a lot to look into the underlying desire. Then if one strategy doesn’t work out, you create space to come up with another one. You’re not dependent on that one strategy anymore.


Maybe you wonder, how can I tell them apart? When am I dealing with a strategy and when with a desire?


  • A strategy is most often something we do or have, it’s more tangible, like the vacation and the sleep.

  • The underlying desire is mostly something we experience, a feeling or a state that we are in, like strength, love, freedom, connection, tranquility.

3 questions

Next time you feel frustrated, because you can’t seem to fulfil your need or desire. Maybe take a step back and ask yourself:


  1. What am I really longing for?

  2. What is the underlying feeling or state I would love to have?

  3. What other strategies could I use to get there?

This may require some flexibility. If your partner doesn’t have time for a whole evening together, but you are longing for connection. Maybe you can ask your partner to have 30 minutes together with full attention. A real intimate conversation can already give a great sense of connection and then you can plan a full night together later.


I am curious to hear how this works for you. Let me know! And if you have any questions feel free to reach out!


Love Anneke

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© 2019 by Anneke Dekker Coaching en Training | Fotografie: Minimal-U & Unmask Photography